Monday, July 11, 2005

Well, I guess you learn something new every day...

Saturday night I performed a set of my own stuff for a second time. This time, since I managed to get on top of inviting more than 24 hours before, I had an actual audience. Or, I should say, an audience of size. The first audience (and I love you all) was fantastic...but, as any performer knows, there is something to be said for numbers. And, well actually, as any audience knows, as an audience member you find yourself much more free with your energy/kudos/laughing/clapping when you are in a larger crowd than in a small. Safety in numbers. I performed Saturday night...and I was actually overwhelmed by the reaction/reception I got from my audience. Granted most, if not all, were friends, but I never expected that my friends would find my material good beyond a friend level (i.e. how one always supports their friends, whether what they're doing is good or not, just because you love them).

I guess I just never really believed that my songs were going to be thought of as good. It's hard to get enough distance (if not nigh on impossible) from your own work to evaluate it with any semblance of impartiality. I just never thought that if I got the opportunity to play for my friends that they would actually like it. I always thought that they would just humor me. That's what I expected. It isn't what I got. So, either, my stuff is actually listenable, or my friends are REALLY talented at making me feel good. However, as much as I like to belittle myself, I actually do think it is the former.

Which is amazing to me. You know, John said to me today, that, being selfish, this is exactly why he did this. To get me to perform my songs. To get interest in them. To get me to realize that I'm good. Worth hearing. And the insane thing about that is that he calls it selfish. I know what he means, but it's the furthest from selfish you can get.

Anyway, maybe I actually have something. That's a big thing to take in. I try to say a lot with my songs...I don't think that I could ever have a "popular" audience...but, maybe down the line...

One of the reasons I ever considered trying to get my songwriting "out there" is that I want someone to be able to say, "I'm not the only one who feels this way. I'm not alone." Like I felt a lot growing up...except for the music that saved me: A-ha, Depeche Mode, Pet Shop Boys...and a little Scorpions. Music meant (and does still mean) a lot to has really gotten me through so much in life.

But I do think that I'm one of the only people I know who can be brought to tears by instrumental music. (And I don't mean Barber's Adagio for Strings (Platoon) or Paganini's Theme (Somewhere In Time) where you rely on the subtext of the movie it was in to cry). I am just physically affected by music.

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