Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Time takes time, you know

I've apparently decided to be maudlin tonight about my aging. And the fact that I can't stop it. Time, that is. Can't stop it. No stopping it. Keeps rolling like a river... to the sea.

I was looking up an older actress I'm going to be working with soon. Doing the old internet image search. Found a picture of her with three smart looking young things. Now, mind you, she looked great, but she was stuck next to three haven't found a single wrinkle young 'uns. It's just so unfair. Because I'm pretty sure that the same age as them her would kick each of them so swiftly to the curb.

Which brings up the crux of this petty subject: why the hell is so much of my self esteem, ego, personality, indeed my very self, wrapped up in how good I look? This is not a post to elicit the "oh, doll, you look fantastic don't worry" replies. I know I look good. Now. But how long is that going to last? When am I going to no longer be among the most desirable girls in the room? It's probably happened already and I don't even know it. This all sounds completely egotistical, but when so much of who you are is wrapped up in and validated by how attractive other people perceive you to be, then I don't know.

I'm curious as to when the shift to this hotness based ego happened. I mean, in high school I was definitely not considered attractive and I knew that. So at what point did my id make the transition to valuing this above all else. I get horrified at growing older, at sagging, wrinkling, chunking out. It's really patently unfair. And somewhat pathetic. I should have more going on than that.

I think perhaps it's time to develop some other personality traits.

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