Thursday, July 14, 2005

I hate when I forget the pithy title...

Okay, get ready, because this is going to be a long post. If you smoke, light one up. If it's morning, pour yourself some coffee first (or perhaps some instant Chai - I've heard it's lovely). If it's evening, you definitely have time to shake up a martini. Or stir. Whatever works best for you.

For little over a week I have been dog-sitting for my wonderful friends Giff & Lisl, who live on the UWS. Now, having not spent a consistent amount of time in that harbinger of khakis, baby carriages and frat boys, I was amazed by what I found.

The Upper West Side stinks. It reeks to high heaven. The stench as I walk the dog every morning is actually unbelieveable. As in I still can't believe that such a family-oriented, upper-to-middle-income neighborhood could possibly smell that bad. You ever notice how grease congeals in the pan after you've fried, let's say, hamburgers? It gets that cloudy sort of sheen to it? That is what the gutters and curbside roadways are like. If someone out there has an industrial-neighborhood sized bottle of 409, it needs to be dumped on every street and sidewalk in the UWS. I mean, really, it makes the meat-packing district seem clean. Well, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but not much.

On a separate note, after I finished walking Ellie I proceeded to walk to the subway, wearing what I call my "Santa Camo" (my camoflauge jeans that are red, green, black and white). I received two unsolicited compliments on them, one from a man pulling a shopping cart and clearly drinking some form of alcohol from a paper bag. My question is this: when your fashion sense appeals to habitual drunks, is it time to rethink your style? Or is it simply that my choices are so universal as to appeal to whinos and hipsters alike? Note I didn't say whiners and hipsters. Because that would be the same thing. Disturbing morning.

And finally - I can hardly believe that spam faxing still exists. Yet, as I walked into the office this morning, there it was in black & white, a barely resistible offer to reduce my mortgage rates! Because, when shopping for a mortgage for the property I don't have, my first thought is - hey, I should look on the fax machine! That's a reliable source of offers for financial services! What makes it even better is that the fax assures me that it is information that I requested for my employees. Boy, I must've been having one of those multiple-personality days last week, cause, gosh darn, I just don't remember asking for this!

It also claims:
Bruised Credit? No Problem!

What if I have beheaded credit? What if I have credit that makes investing in an internet start-up with a boll weevil look more attractive? Cause, guess what...Mama Brenda ain't never gonna be no property-owner, no-sir-ee Bob!

Sigh.

I hope you are now finished with your ciggie/coffee/Chai/martini, and with any luck, are ready for another. Because I'm all about caring. And sharing is caring. But Sharon is just a city in Pennsylvania. Where, mind you, they have some of the best wings - at Quaker Steak & Lube, my friend, that's where.

ramble ramble ramble ramble ramble.............

1 What'd you say?

Blogger Gabe said...

I like the camo pants and I like alcohol. I think your assumption is correct.

QED

11:42 AM, July 14, 2005  

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