Honor among Thieves...or What Kind of Fool am I?

So my first smoke-free day has been somewhat aggravating. Well, first of all, there's the nagging urge to sit down and have a smoky treat every five minutes. Deep breaths, deep breaths. Then there's the irritation caused by the fact that I know I don't want to smoke, but want to. And finally, I'm just ornery to begin with, so basically none of this is helping (and I can't tell if the patch is or not, but man does it ITCH for the first hour - aaaargh).

I question why I go above and beyond to help people with their projects, only to find myself left behind. Is it because I'm a talentless (but apparently useful) buffoon? Am I not good enough, smart enough, creative enough, slutty enough, enough enough? I find all of the compliments and reassurances ring hollow when faced with being creatively dumped time and time again.

The most recent disappointment concerns a musical written by a college friend I've known for about 12 years now. I've done numerous recordings, rehearsals, musings and discussions with this friend, only to find out there's a new reading of it going up...without me. It's sort of like finding out your ex has taken his new trick to your favorite restaurant...not terrible, but sort of shitty. I mean, I've been such a supporter of this project for years now, and I don't even at the least get an invite to see it being read. I just don't know when I became so pathetic in the world's eyes. I don't know when I became so easy to forget.