Thursday, June 23, 2005

Babies...the other white meat

Why, oh why, do we love babies? Why are they so cute? Why do they make us use some sort of transmogrified voice we didn't even know we possessed?

I'll tell you why. Babies are stupid. They are dumb, innocent, ignorant beings. They can entertain themselves for hours by flapping an arm up and down, hand slapping leg, while we spend $10 to go see a movie we can barely stay conscious through. Not only do they not have to make any dining decisions, they get their food fed to them, can make any mess they want and not be responsible for the clean-up. They don't have to say the right thing, because they don't know how to talk. Just think of how many relationship gaffes one could have avoided with that skill! They don't even have to worry about leaving the seat up or down...they can just piss/shit whenever and wherever they like AND SOMEONE ELSE WILL WIPE THEIR ASSES FOR THEM!

I am having some infantile issues with infants. Don't get me wrong, I love babies. They are yummy. But I also envy the babies. You hear that, you little arrogant, expectant, needy little fools??? I'm onto your game. You can't fool don't drool like, is that a smile? Was that a little smile just for Auntie Brenda. Oh, aren't you the most perfect...

Aaaaaaagh! They're insidious!!!

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